Shades of Life !!

The first time she laid eyes on her, she felt an instant connection. She knew she has a crush on her; she was only 11 years old. At that point in time, she didn’t know of the words straight, gay or lesbian meant. All she knew was each moment she was growing fond of her. She could never tell her how crazy she was about her but instead just became her good friend. Later in the year she had to leave town. She was devastated from the very thought that she’d have to leave this girl behind. But in due course of time, she adjusted with the new environment and made new friends. She always had this way she felt about women that she couldn’t understand.

Then she had her first dream; where she kissed a girl. Disturbed and confused was she when she woke up the next morning. Thinking how could she ever have dreamt something like this? Not uttering a word about this to any soul in the world, she kept going on. From then onwards, she started notices this thing about herself, how her friends would talk about their boyfriends and all the pretty boys in town. She would just be with some girl or other, though only in her thoughts.

She started taking chances, a little fooling around with the boys. But deep down she knew that all this just wouldn’t work out. But still, thinking she might be wrong she dated the prettiest boys in town. But every time she did so, she would ask herself. Who are you kidding girl? She couldn’t bear the thought of not telling anyone about this little situation she had. So she finally opened up to the closest friend she had. To her surprise, this friend took it really well. She told her that there is nothing wrong with what you feel. Just take a little more time and if you still feel the same then come in terms with it. You must have to first accept this fact and then go about telling the world.

So she did. Still for a long time she kept convincing herself that the right boy will surely turn up. But by the time she joined college, she met this most amazing girl. She gathered the courage to tell her how she felt. And this girl too felt the same. This little adventure lasted for almost a year. Then her mom found out and things got a little nasty and ugly. So she had to bid farewell to her as well. Totally heart-broken she wanted to run away from the world. But some how she managed to moved on. She gave herself some time to heal the pain she went through.

By the time she finished college she knew that there are just girls she can love. But still giving herself this last chance, she started going around with this wonderful man. Truly giving it a fare shot with no prejudice, she could still not feel the butterflies in her stomach. She tried her level best to like him other than just being friends. But she could just not do it. The feeling just couldn’t come. She knew then for sure that she is gay just like has black hair. For the first time in a long time, she had the courage to say that ‘Yes I am gay’.

This is not something she chose to be but rather how she was born. So is it her fault for the way she is? It’s rather something she couldn’t help. All she needed to do was, to find the courage to walk up to the loved ones and tell them what she really felt. But afraid of the society, rather more afraid of the family of how they would react. It’s easy being accepted by friends but never the family.

Even after 24 years, she still holds this part of her live within her. She is still living a lie in front of her family. She does not want to live this lie anymore. She wants to share this major part of her life. But she is just afraid.